Thursday, April 27, 2006

A 40-Year-Old Stud's Workout Diary

A co-worker sent this to me today and I thought it was PERFECT for my blog. You're gonna LOVE this, I was laughing so hard at this it made me cry because of how true it really is! ENJOY!!! :D

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Dear Diary:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


Dear Diary:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


Dear Diary:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other unpleasant stuff too.


Dear Diary:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


Dear Diary:

I hate that wench Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading wench. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#&* barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Dear Diary:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


Dear Diary:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other wench), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.



Blogger Newbirth said...

You gotta start slow. When I first signed up at Curves, all I could do on the recovery boards and bounce back and forth between my feet - and that was all in took to leave me out of breath and my heart rate up. By the time I left Curves 9 months later I was running in place on the boards in order to make it challenging enough.

My personal best at 24 Hour Fitness is a one hour 4.5 mile treadmill run without stopping (except when my towel flew off the back of the treadmill; I stopped long enough to retrieve it).

And the annual 12k race is next month! I already have my runner's number! :-O

4/27/2006 9:02 PM  
Blogger 1Peter3 said...


Kinda makes me glad that the personal trainer didn't show up for my "Free one hour introductory session" at LA Fitness yesterday. ;)

Actually, the part I wasn't looking forward to was the "body fat analysis" and the "circumference measurements" - I already know it's bad, I don't need to actually see the numbers!

4/28/2006 7:43 AM  
Blogger Andy Owen said...

You have a similar blog to mine.

5/03/2006 6:14 AM  

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