Thursday, September 14, 2006

Fred Said Maltitol Made Nature Call

Need some comic relief on this mid-September day? Then allow me to introduce you to a very funny and talented writer named Fred Scuttle who has a promising new blog that was birthed on Wednesday called (get this!) Low-Carb/Blow-Carb!

Now some may look at that blog name and think Mr. Scuttle is an opponent of low-carb. But it seems he's actually learning a few of the lessons that come with this lifestyle change--the HARD way!

He read my recent review of a new maltitol-free product available from the online low-carb retailer LO-CARB U called Lean-Up Chocolate Bars that was reposted on and decided to comment with his and his wife's own experience eating the dastardly sugar alcohol known as maltitol.

Like so many people new to livin' la vida low-carb, Scuttle neglected to read the fine print on a package of maltitol-sweetened chocolates he purchased that warned about overconsumption and the possible side effects of doing so. I'm gonna let him tell you the story about what happened next because his vivid and descriptive play-by-play recollection is one for the ages. ENJOY!

See if this sounds familiar to anyone...

"Hoo Boy! That explains it! I bought some great low-carb chocolate from Trader Joe's and noted that the whole bar supposedly contained 2 net carbs. Naturally, my wife and I daintily took one little piece each and congratulated ourselves on our restraint, and nibbled a tiny bit off a corner while making little bunny-like nose-squinchy giggles and shrugs at our naughtiness.

The next thing I knew the chocolate bar was gone in a brownish blur, there were pieces of wrapper in our teeth and strewn about the floor and our faces and furniture were smeared with grubby chocolatey finger-smudges. Ah, how we giggled yet again at our own weakness and utter humanity, and promised to make the next one last a little longer than 1.3 seconds.

Skip to three hours later. The rock-shivering cacaphony reverberating in our living room can best be described as sounding like an orchestral tuba section warming up, a dirigible rupturing and the earthy bla-a-atting tones of a fleet of diesel semis throwing on the 'jake brakes' on a long downhill stretch, with the odd bassoon glissando thrown in to provide color, and flutey, schoolgirl-ish 'skirt-lifter' flourishes blupping periodically from my soulmate.

I have never had gas so bad in my life. Not even close, and in my family 'pull my finger' is considered a cooing utterance of affection, followed by the inevitable sound of a watermelon breaking in half.

The cramps alone were excruciating, much less the sore stomach muscles from simultaneously moaning in pain and laughing (which caused an odd 'putt-putt' style nether-zephyr to emerge in staccato trumpet-blasts from our hindquarters, eliciting further torture to our already weakened respiratory systems). We were on all fours, barking from both ends. Not a pretty sight.

Or smell. You'll just have to imagine that, for words can only fail to deliver an account of such a horrendous assault on the olfactory organs, save to those who work in sewage treatment facilities or overcrowded South American prisons. If you need a prompt for a realistic simulation to catalog in your own mental flatulence-file, hold a teenager's wet sneaker up to one nostril and a freshly-opened bag of pork rinds to the other in a kitchen where cabbage is being overcooked. Then you might BEGIN to suggest a vague guess as to the essence.

Until I read this review and understood the magical hurricane-producing properties of maltitol on the digestive system, I had no idea why we had spontaneously erupted like a wind section in a John Cage score. We thought we had somehow insulted the Aztec gods of the bean harvest or something. Now that we know, we will avoid the detestable sugar-fraud in favor of something kinder to our poor abused starfish and easier on our laundry bill."

ROTFL!!! This Fred Scuttle guy is a trip, I'm telling you. If future posts on his new blog are anything like this one, then he's gonna be one to check out early and often. I don't have an e-mail address for him yet, but you can post an encouraging comment for Fred Scuttle at his first blog post. Send the love of "Livin' La Vida Low-Carb" his way!

By the way, Fred, you'll be happy to know that there are a whole host of new low-carb chocolate products coming down the line in the coming months that do NOT contain maltitol in them, but rather the much more acceptable erithrytol, oligofructose, and other "better" sweeteners. I will be reviewing them here soon.

So, stay tuned! No more potty talk for you! :D

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Blogger BillyHW said...

Why can't they just use Splenda?

9/14/2006 9:18 PM  
Blogger Jimmy Moore said...

Great point, BillyHW! But actually many of these maltitol-infested products include the Spenda logo on the front of them although sucralose is generally the LAST ingredient used. It's so sickening the way these companies market this CRAP and expect people to keep buying it. But they do and get away with it all unbeknownst to the general public. ARGH!

9/14/2006 9:31 PM  
Blogger STOP Sugar Alcohols said...

Hello Jimmy,

I enjoy your blog each and every week. I do know that the Eat Well Be Well Fooods company is totally centered around avoiding sugar alcohols. This is what originally attracted me to their chocolates and now I love their other products. I am very surprised that I do not see more about them in the press, including your blog. Just my 2 cents.

Keep up the good work.

9/15/2006 3:46 PM  
Blogger Jimmy Moore said...

THANKS for your comments, STOP Sugar Alcohols, but apparently you missed my review of the Eat Well, Be Well products back in March this year. I will also be featuring a new product from Eat Well, Be Well VERY soon here at my blog.

THANKS for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it!

9/15/2006 4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why not use Splenda? Because Splenda (and aspartame, acesulfame potassium, sacchrine, and other artificial sweeteners) are far worse for you than any carb. A little gas and slightly loose stool is the worst side effect I've ever gotten from eating pure xylitol (a sugar alcohol like maltitol). Yes, I ate the stuff straight, up to a tablespoon of pure xylitol at once. The reason his gut reacted so strongly, and mine barely reacted at all (to what was probably a higher dose), is that he's been on the crazy low-carb diet for too long and his body's forgotten what it's supposed to DO with carbs!

7/25/2008 9:18 PM  
Blogger X-Treem said...

Sugar alcohols such as malitol and sorbitol have known laxative properties - that's why docs in the ER prescribe sorbitol for constipation. Why malitol instead of splenda? It may be subjective. I have tried just about every artificial sweetener out there. Splenda is somewhat palatable but I find it to have a lingering bitter after taste. Aspartame seems to be the most neutral artificial sweetener to my palate, but its biggest weakness lies in the fact it becomes unstable and decomposes at higher temperatures (making it unsuitable for candies or baked goods but ok for soft drinks). I find sorbitol and malitol to taste pretty good, but again moderation is the key to anything. But I must say I haven't laughed this hard in such a long time, this blog had my sides splitting!

2/11/2009 5:27 PM  

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