Infertility, IVF, Donor Sperm: What To Do?
What choice do couples have when natural child birth is impossible?
While my life is pretty much an open book in the more than 2,000 columns I have written here, today I'm gonna share with you something very personal about an issue I have been dealing with in my life that I've never talked about before. It doesn't really have anything to do with livin' la vida low-carb, but I think is an important discussion to have on a web site like this one. Since I value the opinions of my readers, I welcome any comments and feedback you may have based on your own experiences and expertise.
My beautiful wife Christine and I got married in August 1995 with high hopes that we could be together forever, start a family, and watch our children go through this thing called life. When we got married in our early 20's, we never thought about the idea of this dream not coming true.
But here it is 12 years later and that's exactly where we are.
We've been trying desperately to have kids since our honeymoon night and were trusting that the Lord would provide this wondrous blessing in His timing. After buying enough home pregnancy tests over the years to fund a small country, we've been disappointed over and over again many times. The closest we ever got to having a baby was when we accidentally found out Christine was early on in her first trimester when she had a miscarriage shortly after we were married. We were devastated at the time, but knew we had some time.
Or so we thought.
Unless you have been through the unique heartache and pain of being childless when you so desperately want a baby, then it may be difficult for you to understand the toll this can take on you emotionally and even spiritually. Doesn't God know we want a little one to drive us up the wall? Why has He withheld this blessing from us when we want it so badly?
I'm grounded enough in my faith to realize we are prepared to face life's challenges for a reason although we don't always understand why at the time. Perhaps we will be able to help others who go through what we have in the future, so we know this has not been in vain. But it sure would be nice to put a happy ending to the story.
Earlier this year, we were reading books like How To Get Pregnant when Christine and I finally got the bright idea to have ourselves checked out by a reproductive endocrinologist to see if he could illuminate WHY we haven't been able to have kids. And the answer was shocking--it was BOTH of us. Christine had a bad case of endometriosis which caused her lots of pain "down there" and she's been that way since we got married.
She had surgery in August to remove the endometriosis so she could carry our future children. Over the past couple of months, she has been healing wonderfully (despite catching an infection from the hospital) from the surgery and is ready to make our babies. We had considered looking at doing an IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle to help improve our chances of getting pregnant.
But, now we have another issue--ME!
As excited as Christine and I were that she had the surgery to fix her fertility problem, it was quickly tempered when we found out that my sperm count is virtually nil. Yes, if you're gonna joke me, then here's where you can say I'm "shootin' blanks." Yippee skippy! That's me.
The doctor took two samples over a week's time just to make sure of the findings and the conclusion is that my sperm are for all intents and purposes dormant. The doctor said they just are not high-quality enough to be used to try to fertilize Christine's eggs. In other words, I'll never be able to father my own biological kids.
I cannot begin to describe to you how I feel right now hearing that. It's as if I just got sucker punched in my gut and then knocked on the head with a frying pan. It hurts in places I never thought I would feel pain. My mind is racing so fast with thoughts that I still can't put into words. It's the internal battle Jimmy is having with Jimmy that has been going nonstop ever since I found out. Your prayers and thoughts are coveted. :)
Okay, so now what are our options from here: adoption or donor sperm.
Regarding adoption, we spoke with a couple from our church last week who have two adopted kids to ask them about that process. They have international and domestic adoption experience, so they were the perfect people to talk about it. But after hearing about the intensive red tape and emotional rollercoaster they went through to MAYBE get a baby, we decided that was not the way we wanted to go. There's got to be a better way.
So that leaves donor sperm and here's where it gets REALLY interesting. The doctor said it is possible to use a stranger's donor sperm or you can get it from a family member. The idea of a stranger is kinda spooky to me right now. I know I could love that baby just like it was my own, but would I feel detached from the child in any way knowing it is not in my blood line? Getting my head wrapped around this issue is my biggest challenge right now.
As for family, my brother Kevin is my only full-blooded brother, but he's had some major health issues with his heart and would not be a good candidate. My half-brother Nathan is a baby-making machine and has three kids of his own, but he only has my father in him. While he's a possibility, I'm just not sure about using him or not (if he would agree to it, that is).
Then, I read this news story about a couple in the UK who went to the father of the husband to donate his sperm so they can have a baby and it made me think. Hmmm, now that's an interesting idea. Although I haven't asked my dad about it yet, it's an option I don't have a problem with having on the table. And why not?
This is where we are at currently. After Christine and I return from vacation this weekend, we'll be going to see a local reproductive endocrinoligist one last time just to make sure my sperm are indeed invalid. Barring a miracle from that visit, then what? What to do? It's something we are happy to have all the help we can get about. So don't hold back from sharing.
THANK YOU in advance for your help!
Labels: baby, child, Christine, infertility, IVF, Jimmy Moore, kids, sperm
posted by Jimmy Moore at
10/17/2007 05:02:00 PM
31 Comments:
Jimmy,
My heart goes out to you and Christine. Being a parent is a wonderful thing. Adopting is great. I have a nephew who is the light of my life and adopted. As for the donor sperm--I understand about your brother's health issues--but are they genetic or his diet?
However things work out for the 2 of you--I wish you the best.
The idea of using your fathers sperm strikes me as disgusting - aside from the visuals I get of your father getting the sperm for you - which are disturbing or interesting or something - it just seems like incest -
This is just a little weird.
However - that aside - is the child going to know who the donor is ? Is the donor going to know who the child is ?
If the child knows who the donor is - and it would seem to me the child has some right know - some need to know - then picking someone un-related by blood would be better.
How would you like to be the child and find you came from gramps playing 'five on one' - if this visual disturbs me - I wonder what the child would think - I think any thing associated with incest be best left out of the park - as I think it would be a burden on the child.
I really don't care for the idea of carrying on ones gene's - souls come and souls go - who cares what gene's they have.
Your lack of sperm viability is a health issue - perhaps nutritional issue - which should obviously be addressed and looked into.
Jimmy, I never commented here before but I read regularly. So sorry to hear about this! I can't imagine what you're going through. I find using your father as a donor (if he accepts) weird but I would personally do the same if I were in your shoes! If it feels right, go for it!
PS. Did the doctor offer any explanation as to why you have a low sperm count? Soy and other plant with high amounts of phytoestrogens have been implicated in sperm problems. Did you explore this path?
What's the prognosis on the dormant sperm. Is it always lifetime or is it induced sometimes by diet and mineral and supplement and stress and substances we are putting into our bodies. In other words is it absolute or do our bodies go through recovery processes if there is a culprit and it is found. -- Sorry about the forum post. Tom
Aw, Jimmy, that's heartbreaking. We always say that there's a reason for everything, but right now I know you don't need to hear that. Did you get more than one opinion? I mean, is there some way, even if it's a stretch, to find a doctor that can help revive those little swimmers? What about searching out of the US? Have you tried that at all?
Please know my heartfelt prayers are with you and Christine. It'll all work out somehow.
Love you guys!
Lori
How about that old CRT computer monitor you sat in front of for about a million hours?
Jimmy-
First of all my heart goes out to you and Christine. As you know, I travelled a similar path so I have felt the heartache that you and Christine feel. The anguish and disappointment when all you want is to be a parent is at times unbearable. You wonder, "why is this happeneing to me?" You wonder how it's possible that there are so many accidental pregnancies when all you want is a baby. And everywhere you go, all you see are babies. If Christine is anything like me, she can probably spot a pregnant woman from 50 yards away. Did I get it right?
Once you realize that becoming a parent by "conventional" means is not in the cards, (which seems to be where you are now), you two need to decide how important having a child that is biologically linked to you is. Remember that there are no guarrantees regradless of what path you choose. And I'm not saying that to make you feel worse, Im just saying that for me and my husband (who tried every fertility treatment available for FIVE years), we first drew a line in the sand of what we were not willing to do when the need to be parents outweighed the need to get pregnant. (If you are a Star Trek fan, it's translated to "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few").
So if you go with donor sperm (from family or anonymous) there is no guarrantee it will work. Just as there is no guarrantee that pursuing an adoption will result in the pitter patter of little feet at the Moore house.
For us, at the end of a five year journey, we decided to give IVF a second try but with the knowledge that if it didn't work...we were done. And the next step to parenthood was adoption. I needed a plan. I bought some books. We went to seminars. I was ready.
IVF did work for us and I have six year old twins to show for it. But when I read stories like yours the pain in my heart comes back. Because I KNOW how you both feel right now. I kept the pregnancy test companies in business for five years and shed more than my share of tears. And I know plenty of others who have also travelled this path so please know that you are not alone.
Only you can decide what hoops you are willing to jump through to be a parent. But once you decide, I know that you will pursue it with the passion and determination that you pursue other things in your lives.
If there is ever anything I can do...even if it is just to be a sympathetic ear for you or Christine, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Jimmy,
Sympathy. I can't understand (don't want kids and neither does DW and can't really understand why anyone who does the math would, our parents included), but I feel for you.
Some thoughts:
Your options are:
1- A strangers kid who is currently unwanted.
2- A kid that is your wife's and some strangers.
3- A kid that is your wife's and a friend or relatives.
Option 3 is just weird. Wouldn't that be in the back of your mind sometimes? Your dad especially. Your kid would be your half brother/sister. And while that's a great punchline, is that gonna be weird for you. And considering that your blog is gonna be in cyberspace until you take it down, and maybe even longer in google's cache, perhaps forever, isn't that gonna be weird for your kid to find out in 10-15 years? Let's just say, I like my grandpa and my dad, but I'm glad the relationships are all relatively normal there.
I know it's a PITA, but if you want to do the really charitable, wonderful, and likely least weird thing, adopt a child. You have the opportunity to take a kid who is not looking at that great of a set of options, and really do right. Yes, it's not your genes, but that's clearly not really in the cards right now. But in terms of overall good for society, isn't it pretty clear that an adoption is the best option, and some kind of sperm donation is gonna be weird and possibly detrimental to all relationships?
My two cents.
FWIW: My cat (and my wife's cat) came from rescue. And DW says, if she ever wants to go for kids, we're adopting and I can't find a flaw with that argument (haven't looked very hard because, as stated, not a kid person, no how).
Jimmy,
You and Christine are in our prayers. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I were in your place. You do have some very tough choices to make. We'll pray that God shows you the best route to take and blesses you all the way. You have to do what YOU are most comfortable with. Each option will have it's pro's and con's. Weigh them out with prayer and give yourselves the time you need to make the right decision.
I'm glad you are getting an second opinion as well. It never hurts.
I have a friend that adopted from China and the US. One was very difficult, the other went very quickly. I think it really depends on the situation.
You know you can call me anytime.
(((HUGS))) to you both.
((((((Jimmy & Christine))))))
Hugs for you both. It will be a journey for both of you but I'm sure you both will make the right decisions what ever you decide. We'll be here for you all the way!!
Love & possitive energy being sent your way.
Hi Jimmy,
I'm so glad that you shared this with your readers. I went through 3 years of infertility myself and had three surgeries to try and get my body right. But the problem was my ovaries/eggs were just not viable any longer - I waited too long to start in earnest.
So I then faced the donor egg question. It seemed so very tempting, and I KNEW I would love that child no less than one with my own genetics. I even kind of liked the idea of being able to choose favorable genetics for my child! I have diabetes in my family - not a problem for my kid, though! ;) However, in the end, I read some articles that interviewed adult children of donors, and they all seemed to feel an empty spot for the biological parent they would never know. I decided I would only consider adoption. That's a child already in the world who needs a loving home. As it turns out, my partner wasn't really up for adoption, but had really wanted to support my desire to be a biological mother. So, I made the decision not to become a parent.
I believe there is no wrong answer here. Any child that is raised by you and Christine will have a wonderful life, when so many kids in this world do not. Whichever way you choose to go, I would just stay DON'T GIVE UP!!
My prayers are with you. I've never been in your position, but I know it must really hurt. May God comfort you and guide you in your decisions.
Um, hi. I am pretty surprised by some of the insensitive remarks that you received from some of your early commenters. I'm so sorry. It doesn't make your decisions, which you've already noted are difficult, any easier.
Kudos to you and your wife for exploring all of your options and putting everything out on the table. Not only are donor eggs and donor sperm viable options, sometimes they are the only options for people who want to conceive.
Adoption is another avenue you may want to explore. But speaking as an adoptee, that "empty spot for the biological parent they would never know" is not just an issue for children of donors. It is a very real emptiness for most adoptees as well. These issues are not insurmountable, but they do need to be recognized and addressed, no matter what route you choose to take.
Orvette, Darlene and Sparky's Girl are so right. There is no right answer, but hopefully you and your wife can decide on the one that is right for you and your family. There are a lot of resources out there and so many couples that are experiencing the same things you are. Please feel free to contact me if you want more information.
Best wishes to you and your wife,
m
Jimmy --
I'm so sorry; my husband and I also had trouble conceiving. Once we got that working, we lost two babies (pregnancies) before finally having our twins (who will be two next month).
Whatever route you choose to go, be sure that it's the right one for both of you. My aunt and uncle adopted six kids, another friend and her husband are adopting overseas. Other friends did IVF and have a beautiful little girl to show for it (even if she is as ornery as they come!). You and Christine will live with this choice for the rest of your lives -- so be sure it's right in your hearts, not just in your minds (but then, you knew that already. . .)
I think that using your dad as a donor would be a great idea; you pretty much know his current health, right? No chance of him lying on the questionnaire. . . :) As far as an earlier post describing it as "incestuous", I think that's preposterous. It's not like the donation will be "live and in person", so to speak. The fact is, whether the donor is family or stranger, your child will accept the truth of his/her origin as long as they know about it from the outset.
This is a terribly personal and painful issue for you both; please resist the feeling that you are the problem! I know from experience that the temptation is to hate your body for failing you when you most want it to work. We all have physical problems; some are fixable, some aren't. If the second opinion doesn't offer any unexplored options, then your job is to do the very best you can with what you have to work with -- and it sounds like you have a lot, with a loving wife and a supportive family!
Hang in there, Jimmy!
Sara
P.S. -- In the majority of cases, male infertility is a genetic problem resulting in either sperm that have limited/no motility, or are unable to penetrate the membrane of the ovum. It is frequently untreatable -- which is why correcting male infertility has become a hot topic for reproductive research. It is quite rare for a diagnosis of infertility in a man to be the result of metabolic, nutritional, or environmental issues. Reduced fertility, yeah -- but not a complete diagnosis of infertility. You would have to be rolling in pesticides or industrial waste for days on end to see even a minimal effect on sperm quality or quantity.
To all those talking about incest, please gets your brains fully engaged before you make such insensitive and ignorant comments. Jimmy’s wife and his father aren’t blood relatives. Even if they conceived a child the old fashioned way, it wouldn’t be incest. Not in ANY way. That’s just ridiculous.
And as for the potential discomfort caused by imagining one’s father or grandfather masturbating--just grow up! If you’re too immature to deal with masturbation, sperm, or other icky things like that, then you’re in no place to be advising others about major life decisions.
Hi Jimmy and Christine: I can't pretend to know what you're going through, however please know that I'm thinking about you. I would, however, start down the adoption path immediately because it can take years and years to finally get a child. A faster way is to adopt an older child. There are many older children who need parents - even sibling groups. As I'm sure you can imagine, a group of three brothers and sisters would find it very difficult to find a home together. You and Christine could have an instant family. And bonus... likely skip the diaper stage! :) It can't be much different in your state than it is up here in Canada. Adoption of babies takes forever. Consider a sibling group of older children. My two cents' worth!
Have you ever thought about adopting a child that is not an infant? It is a lot easier and there are plenty of children who need loving homes. If you go the IVF route there is no guarantee it will work either. My husbands cousin and his wife tried that everal times before finally adopting. Strange thing is, after they adopted they got pregnant the traditional way. Anyway, family donated sperm is kinda creepy to me. If it's a stranger it would just be simpler to explain later.
I tried to post this earlier, but it wouldn't let me sign in.
I think if it were me trying to get pregnant, I'd feel very weird about being impregnated with the child of a close relative of my husband. I fully realize there would be no physical contact involved, but the first thing that popped into my mind was the verses in Leviticus 18 about not having sex (and by extension, possibly having children with) in-laws.
The anonymous donor idea would bother me greatly too. My concern is that in future generations there may be serious genetic problems crop up as sibling offspring of anonymous donors inadvertently meet, and unaware that they are closely related, have children together. Maybe there are some kind of safeguards (that I'm totally unaware of) built into the donor system to prevent this from happening though.
I personally think adoption is the best way to go about building a family under these circumstances. A neighbor of ours has adopted two little girls from China. I know there was all kinds of red tape and difficulties involved in completing the adoptions - but apparently not so much that it wasn't worth it, since they adopted another little girl from China a few years later. Another family in this area has adopted many, many children from overseas. Last time I heard anything about them, I think they had adopted a total of a dozen children. They always adopt older children who are generally considered to be un-adoptable in their native countries, either because of age, or because they have minor physical problems of some kind. This family has brought each newly adopted child to the US, and given them whatever medical care necessary to correct their physical problems as much as possible. As Brian said, you could possibly even adopt a sibling group and have an instant family.
You and Christine have some big decisions to make about this, I wish you both the very best on this.
Hi Jimmy & Christine,
I was adopted by my stepdad, and my girlfriend was adopted as an infant. Both of us are now middle-aged, successful in life, and we have kids of our own from previous marriages. There is no difference in the amount of love you give or receive when you're adopted. I'm sure the same is true with egg/sperm donors, etc. Do what you gotta do, go for it, get that baby & raise it. I've "got a feeling" you guys are going to be great parents. -- Mike
I know this is painful. We had a hard time getting pregnant and then I suffered a miscarriage.
I know it takes a while but adoption can be a wonderful option. I have two cousins who were adopted and they are such a blessing to our family.
I'm sure it will work out for you, whatever your decision ultimately turns out to be. You may even wind up adopting and then get pregnant too and thus be blessed with two children very close in age. It actually happens a lot! :)
Well done on getting a second opinion before moving forwards. Whatever happens, this is going to be a huge decision and you need to be thorough. The trouble is, there are no easy options, so you can go around in circles at first saying, "No, that's no good... or that either..." You have to come to accept that whatever you choose will not be ideal, and this is quite a process - but I've been assured time and time again that you will look back once it's all over and wonder how you could have wanted it any other way.
If using a donor, I would strongly encourage being open about it with the child in the same way you would if they were adopted. I don't find anything wrong with using your father as a donor if it's possible, and your mum/wife/etc agree.
I also have to point out to the above commenter that falling pregnant after you adopt is actually very rare (as is falling pregnant after being told it probably won't happen). It's just people like to retell that kind of story over and over.
Bea
Thank you for sharing your story--it helps all of us who are expierencing similar journeys to share and connect.
My husband and I are dealing with male factor issues, and have already been through one round of IVF/ICSI-with no success. As we are in a holding pattern right now, those options circle in our mids A LOT-donor sperm and/or adoption.
I hope you will continue to share your journey with us-and I wish you all the best in your parenting journey!
I don't know, dude. I would feel kind of weird raising my half-brother. I'd go with adoption, at this point. There's so many kids out there without families that deserve a chance to live a healthy family life. Kids in the US, outside of the US, everywhere!
Absolutely get a second opinion. And even a third or fourth.
See a doctor who specializes in your exact problem. You didn't elaborate on the specifics of your male-factor diagnosis but there are a LOT of possible solutions out there for a lot of problems. And every day there are new solutions. Don't give up.
Arm yourself with information before going further. That's the best advice I can give you.
Hi Jimmy,
My husband and I also tried to start a family as soon as we got married...20 months later and a zillion pregnancy tests later, still no baby...we got ourselves checked out, and although I am fine, my hubby had a very, very low count. We did IVF with ICSI where all they need are a few viable sperm to do the procedure. They even have methods now where they can surgically take immature sperm cells from you and use them to fertilize the egg. As long as you have a few sperm cells, you may still be able to have a biological child.
Long story short, it worked, and we now have a 13 month old. Please do lots of research and get more opinions from an actual IVF clinic in your area, before making a decision. A book I recommend is "Resolving Infertility". It helped my hubby and I out a lot, and explains all the procedures in detail.
Good luck and love your blog.
Hey Jimmy just wanted to say I am really sorry about your news and wish you all the best, the fact your having problems too makes it so much harder. I hope theres a way that can be turned around, good luck with that.
My friend fell pregnant with twins recently through IVF, she was successful a few years back on her first attempt on IVF but then she had I think 4 failed attempts, this time they inserted 2 eggs and now shes blessed with twins :)
My dad was actually adopted, his adoptive parents were great people but there is one half of your family history you know nothing about which is a shame. It was my dad that was adopted, not me yet I have a million questions that I don't have the answer for. He was 2 when he was adopted, personally I think a bub would be best as you bond better (theres something special about a newborn and their newborn smell and cry) but then at least for the blokes they don't tend to take as much interest until they are up and about anyway.
If you kept it in the family I guess the important thing would be to keep it hush hush so the child doesn't get teased or anything, that would be the worst bit I think. The other thing to consider which really depends on what your parents are like etc is some parents/in laws can be a bit annoying especially when it is your first child and I would think perhaps worse if he/she was theirs.
Anyway, whatever you guys do, just follow your heart, good luck!
As an employee for Social Services might I suggest foster care. You can pick and chose which children: for instance only taking in infants. Many of these children end up available for adoption and the state pays and you'll also receive state subsidy to help with healthcare and medical until they reach age 18.
I know it's not an easy thing to consider. I'm 29 and that is why I ended up on Dr. Wilshire's door in the 1st place. I've since gone the Creigton Model route and Pat & I are still trying.
As for donor sperm, it's a personal choice. You don't have to donate your own sperm to be a father. You will be a great dad. God bless.
Jimmy, I'm very sorry you're going thru this heartbreak. Although I haven't felt these feelings over this issue, I always wanted to be a mother and it hasn't come to be in my life.
There are some incredibly insensitive people responding to your plight, and I wish I could apologize for them. If you wanted their personal opinions, you would have asked for them. As I read your blog, and the comments, I really didn't see anywhere where you asked for our opinions (only prayers)
This is such a personal issue, who cares what others think about a potential donor? It is a decision for you and Christine alone. So is adoption and the age of the child adopted. Most people have their heads wrapped around an infant and it is quite a shift to consider an older child. Again, very personal decision.
I have some friends who just adopted a baby. It was very interesting. Through family contacts, they heard about an unwanted pregnancy and followed up with the mother. Three months later, and much less than the usual expense, they are the proud parents of a beautiful little girl of Mexican descent.
I'd be happy to share more about that privately with you, if you and Christine decide to go that route.
Are you currently in ketosis? Maybe you should add some carbs and get out of ketosis for a while, add omega-3's if you are not already taking them, and then get retested in a couple of months.
It could well be that ketogenic diets affect sperm quality/quantity...
Prayers for you both as you go through this journey toward parenthood. I second the suggestion that you check into fostering; friends of ours fostered several children, adopting two infants along the way.
Hi,
My partner and I are currently going through IVF and know of a promising antioxidant supplement currently in trial in Australia and due for purchase early next year called "Menevit" The powerful antioxidents assist in turning over the sperm every 3 months creating new, healthier sperm in the process. This is proving beneficial for those with low sperm count and poor sperm quality. (Google "Menevit" to find some info.) I would also look into genetic testing through a health professional and examining factors that contribute to male fertility issues. I agree that this is a very personal issue and have shared some of your feelings. I have great belief in never giving up and hope this information and others offered can open some doors for you and you wife. At the end of the day you must follow your heart. Best of luck and keep the prayers up!
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